Frustratingly Mediocre

Yesterday (20/9) on a cycle home, a friend asked me how it feels now that I've been on exchange for almost a month. And the first thing that came to my mind is what has been dominating the past two posts I've made - regarding my parents and my home. I told him that I never realised just how attached I was to my home until now. Back in July, I had met up with a senior who was studying in EUR in the previous semester. He was telling me about EUR and his exchange journey in general and I remember him telling me about how he was extremely homesick the first few weeks in Rotterdam. I also remember thinking about how I most probably wouldn't feel homesick. I didn't picture myself as someone who would hug the gates of my house and refuse to leave. On the contrary, I felt like I was someone who was excited and eager for travel, always looking for opportunities to get out of the country and into a new community. Yet, as I have experienced for the past 20 days since I'v...

When I was younger, all I could think about was staying alone; being under no one's authority and being able to control all that I did from when I woke up til when I slept. I dreamt of living in a dorm, or living overseas, having those few days, months maybe even years of being alone and having my parents off my back. I dreamt of doing things alone - solo vacations, mostly. I even used to think that I would definitely not be that child that would want to live with her parents after getting married (i.e. having three generations in one roof.) Now that I'm all the way here in the Netherlands without home just being a 1.5 hour train ride away, I find all those beliefs starting to make a 180 degree change. Suddenly, I don't want to be alone anymore. Suddenly, I don't want to only see my parents through video call, to only be able to hear their voice every other day, not even in real life but over the phone. I miss having their presence around me. I miss knowing that every...

“Are you hungry?” “I knew you’d forget this, so I packed this for you.” “I separated all the soaps into their own plastic bags. Take it when you’re going on your weekend trips.” “So, to cook meat, you… and then you… and then you… and then it should be fine.” “I’ve helped you wipe all the dusty surfaces already. Here’s the cloth, I’ve washed it, but don’t use it on food. Use it to wipe the surface again if it’s dusty.” “Daddy threw away his shoes, but I took the shoelaces and washed them very clean because I was thinking that you might need it.” Not one of these contain the magic three words “I love you”. Heck, none of them even contain the word “love”.  Yet, all these sentences are such clear signs of love. Today’s finally the day. Finally the day that my parents have left for Singapore and I will be here in Rotterdam for the next 4 months without them. I thought that by already going through this once at Rotterdam Centraal Station, I would’ve gott...

2 September 2019 The day I watched (and filmed) the retreating back of my parents as they entered the train gates of Rotterdam Centraal station, hoping they wouldn't turn back and see the tears on my face. It's time. It's time for me to begin this exchange journey, away from home, away from the people who have taken care of me since before I was even born. Even with the prospect that we may meet in a few days' time in Amsterdam should I choose to join them on the last lap of their holiday, this moment of separation was really something I was completely unprepared for. Maybe it's because I had them with me the past few days - coming to Rotterdam with me, travelling around and exploring the city with me, going to my campus together, helping me settle into my new place... They've been with me every step of the way. Even when I told them that I wouldn't need them, that I would be fine alone, I have come to realise that without them I really wouldn't have...