I Guess It Just Takes Time

It's been 2 weeks since you've left and a week since you enlisted. Idk if you read the last message i sent to you, a day before your enlistment. It was just something i sent to help me come to terms w the fact that youre really gonna be gone for 2 years and ive been trying to stop myself from going in to check if the '1' is missing. I mean, what good would it do for me right?

Even though i say im resigned to whatever life has, that i just have to take things as it goes, that there's nothing i can do now and there's nothing in my control, it still hurts, i guess. When i go about life and think of how it would be like if you were here too. It's the first day of cny, but you can't get out of camp to celebrate with your family, can you? That's tough... hope you're at least having some celebrations in camp! And i hope training hasnt been too harsh on you. But you're so fit i think you'd do fine hahahaha

Anyway as i was saying. I think it still just really hurts. Knowing how all these things came to be. Was it my fault for just letting things happen? Should i have stopped somewhere and decided no? Now that i have hindsight, is it really better to mourn what was or to mourn what never came to be? Sometimes i just go about my day, wondering what you'd do if you were here with me. I cooked today, you know. I could just imagine your judgemental stare as i awkwardly cut the tofu and awkwardly stir-fried the food. I could just imagine you giving me advice, teaching me how to do it properly, explaining to me with your infinite wealth of culinary wisdom what i should and should not do, maybe even cook with my mum and teach her some tips and tricks? Or my parents/brother being blown away by your food? Maybe you'd even snicker at my inability to cook? Hahahahaha.

When i had reunion dinner yesterday, i wondered what it would be like, if far far far ahead into the future you were joining my family for reunion dinner too. Would it be difficult for you? Because we're all speaking in not english? Would i have had to be your interpreter despite your ability to speak english because you just dont have the confidence to use english unless absolutely necessary anymore?

Then google maps sent me this jan review of the places i had gone. Wanna know the top 3 places? Zoo, gardens by the bay, and newton food centre. All these places that i went to with you. The lovely memories we shared. It makes me want to turn the clock and go back three weeks. What i'd give to go back to 14jan when i was texting hamz about you. Sure, i was unsure and scared, but at least in the end you were still there. You were still... well, i guess you can say mine? Hahahaha. Not being possessive just... it's just something's that's changed, isn't it? Yeah. This time, three weeks ago, i was up late not wanting to sleep, partially dreading seeing you the next day yet really really wanting to see you too. But nothing can happen now no matter how much i want to see you, to hear your voice right infront of me, to hug you...

I guess this all amounts up to me missing you, huh? I keep wondering how it'll be when we meet again. I want to see you again.

I read online that the only way to stop missing someone is to keep pretending. To keep pretending that i dont miss you. That the things in life that pop up arbitrarily don't remind me of you and our memories together. That when i look at chefs, when i cook, when i go to all the places we went together, that they don't stab me with the reality that i can't contact you anymore. For at least two years, probably many more, maybe never. I just have to keep pretending and pretending and pretending until one day, it really doesn't bother me anymore. I can cook without thinking of you, i can go to the zoo without thinking of you, i can lie down and watch the light show at gbtb without thinking of you... i can just... stop thinking of you so much in general. And that when we meet again, if we meet again, we can really just be friends and start over again.

But i guess all this just takes time, huh? And two weeks is too short of a time for anything to heal.

Look at me, it's the first day of chinese new year but im lying on my bed with tears coming from my eyes as i type this. It's not really even addressed to you. I just wanted an outlet and didnt want to spoil the festive mood everyone's in rn. In your words, i'm probably like the guy in our times, huh? 불쌍하다.

Maybe after this release, some things will get better.

But only time will tell.

I just need time, i guess, it's the only thing i have right now.

Hope™