Je suis désolé

hey

i know it's like very schizo for me to be posting something like that after my previous post was so positive but it's something that's been on my mind so i really wanted to write it down. i know u know the address to my blog and idk if u're still reading it now but hey, if u are then yay at least u get to see this hahaha if not then. well, i'll still continue anyway

i'm really sorry

i'm really sorry for causing so much problems

i'm really sorry for being such a burden in this whole trip planning process. i really feel like such a hypocrite right now. after hearing all your horror stories of your friends ditching you and just flying without caring about you, i told myself not to be like that. i wanted to make this whole trip planning process as painless and simple as possible. i didn't want to be one of those annoying friends that's always like this one cannot that one cannot

but i guess i am

in the end

i still am

i'm really sorry for having so many commitments that just screws up the whole trip planning process. i'm sorry that i told u i was a chill person when it comes to planning trips only to have all these problems popping up left right centre

i admit, i really really really overbooked myself this summer

but

to me

i just feel like honestly, once uni is over, that's when my life ends too. uni's the only time i can get away with doing rubbish, sitting around wasting time, taking month-long holidays and not have to worry about work... uni is really a time for me to live one last time before i get subjected to the horrors of the working world where (i quote Pastor Jo lmao) it's harder to deal with people issues at work than to pray for the dead to rise.

so i feel like the reason why i'm overbooking myself and taking on so much is because once this is all over, once my 4 years in uni is over, i'm not gonna have this anymore. when else can i take month-long holidays on a whim? or travel overseas many times a year and not have to care about how much leave or work i have? when will i ever again have a time when i won't think about work? until i retire? is that when i'll have this sort of freedom again? who knows if i'll even live until then really. who knows if i'll even live to graduate?

truth is im just scared

it's terrifying how everyone seems to have gotten their life in place but me. i know people are always saying that there are more people out there that don't have their life together than it seems. but really, looking at everyone around me. they have solid concrete plans. they know what they want to work as, what they want to further their studies in. they have places to intern at or places that have already accepted them as employees through scholarships.

and here i am

here i am floating through life. wondering whether is cnm even for me. i mean, i'm really interested in it and i know that this is something that i want to do. but i can't seem to do good in anything? i say i wanna be a cnm major but i don't even know the simplest of ropes around this place. i don't know all those big popular companies. i don't know all the small tiny details that probably many people in this major do. i can barely photoshop or canva, my design skills are rubbish. the only thing i can remotely do well is calligraphy and even so so many people are more skilled than me. especially in terms of composition, technicality and consistency (wow this is basically everything hahahha). i thought hm maybe journalist? but i can't even write news articles properly. i can't write press releases well and my social media posts are not engaging at all. there's really nothing i can do. everyone has one thing they're a niche at and here i am, not even being a jack of all traits cos i can't even handle anything  well. i really wonder where can i go from here.

it makes me wish sometimes, really. that i'm like some idol or something. then i can go overseas all the time bc of concerts and filming and stuff. and i'll be doing something that i enjoy. and i get to connect and talk to people. and i get to try out all these cool stuff. maybe i'll even be able to earn lots of money and see so many countries that i can bring my parents on holidays where they don't have to plan anything and just leave everything to me and enjoy themselves! but of course, i'm nothing but a lowly singaporean who has neither the looks nor the figure nor the talent of even a trainee.

sorry i digressed

anyway

i'm just really sorry for all this trouble and frustration that i'm causing you

i'm a bad friend ):

please don't hate me ):

or maybe for now but don't let it last? hahahaha

you're one of the rare friends i've had since childhood and i'm sorry that i'm being such an irritating person right now

i'll go and figure my life out

i'll pray

and try to figure my life out

i want to figure my life out too

if only i could

GOD WILL PROVIDE ME A WAY THROUGH THIS I KNOW

thank you so much for still being patient with me

thank you so much for still being my friend

i really hope this doesn't affect our friendship

i'm sorry and thank you

have a nice day yeah?

i hope i don't cause you any more trouble than i already have (:

Hope™