一年
at a random time like this, my mind suddenly brings me back to the days when i was still young, clueless and blissfully ignorant. those were the days when we cried over simple things, when we were so confused about the world around us.
i still remember crying. “奶奶，我不要你死！” so long ago, hugging my grandmother and crying hysterically. i think my family was pretty shocked and stuff cos it was really sudden?? and my grandma was just like ”好啦，好啦，奶奶不会死。奶奶会看你长大，哦？“ i had been comforted then but then now i know such words are really just things to pacify children that don't understand the concept of life and death. of course there's no way for her to live until i'm old because heck i doubt my parents will be around when i'm super old too, right? she can't even 看我长大 now because she has dementia and it's really gotten so bad that she doesn't know who i am anymore. i used to be comforted by the fact that out of everyone she'd still be able to remember me even though her dementia was so bad but now, it's gotten to the point that she just stares at me blankly and when we call her, she doesn't exactly respond very well anymore....
this also reminds me of that time when my maternal grandmother passed away. my cousin, the one that lived with him, had only been three that time. she didn't understand the concept of life and death. when we asked her where ahgong was, she replied ”阿公在楼下睡觉。他睡了很久！还没睡醒。“ and all we could do was smile because what does a three year old understand about death? how do we tell her that ahgong's not coming back?
and then when my aunt passed, my nephew was really so sad that he really just wanted his grandmother back. wow does this sound familiar.
during those few days where i couldnt find my bolster string, honestlyi kept thinking about yeye. i kept thinking about how he used to help me look for my things when i was young. yknow how people say that if mum can't find it it's gone forever? yeah to me it was if yeye can't find it it's gone forever. he always seemed to know where everything was. he always seemed to be able to find anything and everything for me. whenever i lost something, he was the first person i'd turn to. even that time when he'd stayed at my house after a surgery, i couldnt find my bolster (yes at that time it was still a bolster not just a string) and even though he couldnt walk very well and thus maybe didn't exactly see where i've been going, he actually knew where it was! he was like ”你的抱枕？在korkor的房间拿的dilam上。“ which is really so cool like wow. when i asked him how he knew he said that he'd seen it there hahaha he had such a good memory (:
i'm glad that i actually didn't cry on the one year anniversary, but i did stand at the window in my balcony. when i get a house next time, i want a house with a balcony. standing at the window and just watching the world go by from my balcony often gives me a similar feeling of standing at the beach and feeling the waves. also, looking up into the sky, i like to believe that yeye can hear me from heaven and i just talk. i like talking to the sky in moments like that. i speak in chinese, albeit not really good chinese but it comforts me. it makes me think that someone's really there listening even though i wont get a reply. i'm really hoping that i don't talk really loud there, cos i try to do it in the middle of the night when everyone's asleep but sometimes i can't help but wonder if anyone's awake to listen to me talk cos sometimes i've heard voices coming from my parents' room.
throughout this whole year, i've thought so much about yeye. like... when i did calligraphy, when i looked at my uob poy painting that i won with, actually even my name makes me think of him because he was the one that named me. he was the one that looked through books and dictionaries to find a great name for me, one that sounded nice, was easy to write and had an amazing meaning behind it. just really,,, i miss him a lot.
on 1 jan it'll be the first anniversary according to the chinese calendar so i can't ot at work but that's totally fine. the last time i visited, i made a bouquet of roses that we stuck at where we can put flowers at the niche and i really really liked it so much because while everyone else's niches had store-bought fake flowers, yeye's was handmade by me and it made me really happy (: er shu even joked that i should put "for orders, please called xxxxxxxx" hahahhahha. this time idk if i should make anything... though i kindda don't really have anything in mind??? i wonder what he'd like it'll be the new year soon..... it reminds me, he always gave me angpaos with messages written on them and i'm so glad that i actually kept all of them. he always wished me luck in my studies and hope that i would be able to score well. even though i've always wanted to avoid it, my results for o's are coming out soon and i really really hope that i can do well. even if not for me, for him. i want to be able to visit him next time and be like “你知道吗？在我的O水准我考到很好的成绩！” yeah i want to be able to say that.
so... it's been a year according to the english calendar and it soon will be according to the chinese calendar.
i can't wait to see him in 2 days (:
Hope™
ps. side note: i prolly can't league through the new year like last year sigh hahahha and kor's coming back tmr!
i still remember crying. “奶奶，我不要你死！” so long ago, hugging my grandmother and crying hysterically. i think my family was pretty shocked and stuff cos it was really sudden?? and my grandma was just like ”好啦，好啦，奶奶不会死。奶奶会看你长大，哦？“ i had been comforted then but then now i know such words are really just things to pacify children that don't understand the concept of life and death. of course there's no way for her to live until i'm old because heck i doubt my parents will be around when i'm super old too, right? she can't even 看我长大 now because she has dementia and it's really gotten so bad that she doesn't know who i am anymore. i used to be comforted by the fact that out of everyone she'd still be able to remember me even though her dementia was so bad but now, it's gotten to the point that she just stares at me blankly and when we call her, she doesn't exactly respond very well anymore....
this also reminds me of that time when my maternal grandmother passed away. my cousin, the one that lived with him, had only been three that time. she didn't understand the concept of life and death. when we asked her where ahgong was, she replied ”阿公在楼下睡觉。他睡了很久！还没睡醒。“ and all we could do was smile because what does a three year old understand about death? how do we tell her that ahgong's not coming back?
and then when my aunt passed, my nephew was really so sad that he really just wanted his grandmother back. wow does this sound familiar.
during those few days where i couldnt find my bolster string, honestlyi kept thinking about yeye. i kept thinking about how he used to help me look for my things when i was young. yknow how people say that if mum can't find it it's gone forever? yeah to me it was if yeye can't find it it's gone forever. he always seemed to know where everything was. he always seemed to be able to find anything and everything for me. whenever i lost something, he was the first person i'd turn to. even that time when he'd stayed at my house after a surgery, i couldnt find my bolster (yes at that time it was still a bolster not just a string) and even though he couldnt walk very well and thus maybe didn't exactly see where i've been going, he actually knew where it was! he was like ”你的抱枕？在korkor的房间拿的dilam上。“ which is really so cool like wow. when i asked him how he knew he said that he'd seen it there hahaha he had such a good memory (:
i'm glad that i actually didn't cry on the one year anniversary, but i did stand at the window in my balcony. when i get a house next time, i want a house with a balcony. standing at the window and just watching the world go by from my balcony often gives me a similar feeling of standing at the beach and feeling the waves. also, looking up into the sky, i like to believe that yeye can hear me from heaven and i just talk. i like talking to the sky in moments like that. i speak in chinese, albeit not really good chinese but it comforts me. it makes me think that someone's really there listening even though i wont get a reply. i'm really hoping that i don't talk really loud there, cos i try to do it in the middle of the night when everyone's asleep but sometimes i can't help but wonder if anyone's awake to listen to me talk cos sometimes i've heard voices coming from my parents' room.
throughout this whole year, i've thought so much about yeye. like... when i did calligraphy, when i looked at my uob poy painting that i won with, actually even my name makes me think of him because he was the one that named me. he was the one that looked through books and dictionaries to find a great name for me, one that sounded nice, was easy to write and had an amazing meaning behind it. just really,,, i miss him a lot.
on 1 jan it'll be the first anniversary according to the chinese calendar so i can't ot at work but that's totally fine. the last time i visited, i made a bouquet of roses that we stuck at where we can put flowers at the niche and i really really liked it so much because while everyone else's niches had store-bought fake flowers, yeye's was handmade by me and it made me really happy (: er shu even joked that i should put "for orders, please called xxxxxxxx" hahahhahha. this time idk if i should make anything... though i kindda don't really have anything in mind??? i wonder what he'd like it'll be the new year soon..... it reminds me, he always gave me angpaos with messages written on them and i'm so glad that i actually kept all of them. he always wished me luck in my studies and hope that i would be able to score well. even though i've always wanted to avoid it, my results for o's are coming out soon and i really really hope that i can do well. even if not for me, for him. i want to be able to visit him next time and be like “你知道吗？在我的O水准我考到很好的成绩！” yeah i want to be able to say that.
so... it's been a year according to the english calendar and it soon will be according to the chinese calendar.
i can't wait to see him in 2 days (:
Hope™
ps. side note: i prolly can't league through the new year like last year sigh hahahha and kor's coming back tmr!
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