제발, 울지마

Idk why but today seems to be like a really bad day for me. I miss him so much. Yeye.... 

Today I actually cried on the bus on the way home ohkay. Nothing to trigger it. I was just thinking and thinking and the next thing I knew I was about to cry alr. 

Then just now I was reading a fic and I started crying again. Then I decided to look through a photo album. The moment I came across his picture, I cried again. 

And then I went to talk to him. After I finished talking, I thought I wouldve stopped crying. But then I returned to the photo album that I stopped for a while becuase of too much crying and then I see a pic of me as a two-year-old trying to get off a beach chair and he's there watching me. 

His hair was so black then. Tbh I don't remember his hair being this black. He looked so young. Well, he was. He was only 55 years young. His skin wasn't so wrinkled, he looked so healthy and he didn't have that little black thing on his nose. His calves actually had muscle and everything, he was able to walk properly then. His hand wasn't burnt by the steam when cooking, his stomach was still that big round one, the one that I'll forever be curious on how he got it. It's not like he ate a lot of junk food or anything. Au contraire I think he was one of the most healthy eaters I've seen. I don't know is it because he didn't have teeth, or was it because he was just a naturally healthy eater but the only time there was deep-fried anything was when I asked for it. And then I remember how he practically devoured mummy's curry when she brought some over, prolly cos he was sick of shushu's food? Lol he was never that good of a cook, I guess. Only learning how to cook when yeye couldn't anymore. 

So anyway, I keep thinking that I will stop crying already but sometimes I still do. I'm on my second hanky now and I Kindda dowanna go on to the third. 

I know he doesn't want me to cry, but it's hard. I don't know how to. Can someone help me? Teach me? Anything tell me how do you not cry like that. 

I don't like how I crying so easily, that there're always tears in my eyes. But then again, this could be beneficial for when I want to act lol. 

Did I tell you that I've been sick lately? I've been sick for about three weeks to a month already. Don't think I'll ever recover from this, sigh. I want to sing but I think every song I sing comes out really horrible cos of the phlegm stuck in my throat. Then just now there wasn't any phelgm, but my throat was so ticklish that I just kept dry coughing. It didn't ease the itch and my throat started to hurt. Idk which is worse. 

Somehow I don't really want to sleep now, maybe it's because I fell asleep just now and almost slept through tuition. Lucky they were understanding and let me stay for my full 1.5 hours (:

I don't want to cry anymore. 

Hope™