yes. yes. that's exactly what i want. cannot izzit? i want to rot cannot izzit? i don't have anything good to do anyways. no matter what i do you're never happy anyways. i study abit you not happy. i study alot you oso not happy. i might as well just die right? like that then you happy right?

why didn't you just stop at one child? why want two? get the perfect one la! the one that study for 30mins and play only for 5-10mins. isn't that the child you want? then get rid of me la! idc! send me orphanage la! i tell ppl my parents kena killed in car crash la! or maybe i shouldnt even say that cos i'll get pity about you being 'dead' when you actually arent and i don't want that pity.

whatever i do is never good anyway. why did you want two children?

the fuck is wrong with you.

the fuck is wrong with me.

the fuck is wrong with everything.

they say never give up. but if i don't give up now i do what? really just let you yell and yell and yell? i don't want my ears to spoil (not sure if i should say i dont want ur throat to spoil either though). i study ready oso never help me one.

i will study. you just don't believe me.

you never seem to.

just because you don't see it.

seeing doesn't mean believing ohkay.

if it is, then aren't you brainless? you can't see your brain either. can you?

if it is, then aren't you heartless? you can't see your heart either. can you? although i kind of don't disagree w the point.

ohkay la. i get it la. you want me to do well la.

you don't want to go around telling people you have a prodigy for a son and a... idek what for a daughter la. ohkay la. i will try my best to do well la. but you scold until like that makes me not even want to try ohkay.

have you heard how people get the thrill from doing something that they're told not to do?

i was planning to study. i really was ohkay.

then now with what you said and everything. i might as well not. ohkay la! i rot la! i rot alr no one cares anyway! it's not like i'm some super important person that everyone will know if i went missing.

why did you still bother to look for me when i got lost in Thailand when i was 3?

just let me kena caught and be some beggar or whatever la! at least like that still got earn money, hor? you put me here like that i not earning money, still spending your money. not xintong ah?

you know they always say that there're many blessings in disguise?

i'm sorry but that was a curse in disguise.

a curse that you found me i'm sorry.

i should have wandered off on my own even further right?

all those times i got lost, i shouldn't have called you to pick me up, right?

should have just walked away and find somewhere to stay.

right?

i'm sorry about being the first granddaughter in your side of the family where there weren't any sisters.

i'm sorry that i'm the worst out of three cousins.

i'm sorry that my studies are the worst out of three cousins.

i'm sorry that my younger cousin is better than me.

i'm sorry that i'm the worst combination of a person that anyone can ever get.

i'm sorry that i cry easily. it annoys me too.

whatever.

whatever.

whatever.

how does saying all this help anyway.

you have no idea how happy i am to actually have a blog where i can talk about this.

honestly. i have no idea where i'd turn to if i didn't have a blog.

like now everytime i have fun new thoughts or really just anything, it goes to my blog.

i like it like that.

i don't like talking to others.

they won't understand anyway.

because even i don't understand myself.

i like talking to inanimate objects cos they can never reply to me.

i don't need to hear their replies.

they can't judge me

because they can't think.

but it's not as if i cared if someone judged me.

judge for all i fucking care.

it's like i'm some experiment now.

it's as if i'm just a draft and you're trying to add things in bit by bit to find the perfect copy.

well guess what

this draft sucks.

just remake a new one.

dump this away

no one will care

don't act like nothing is wrong and talk to me like that

i hate it when you do that

i don't even know now.

i think my mind's a mess

i should start eating now. right?

i should also stop talking.

i'm sorry for rambling/babbling/ranting. i don't know.

bye bye

Hope™