fuck everything

ohkay for once i'm actually so upset that i'm going overseas ohkay. for once. ONCE. ONCE ONLY. YOU KNOW WHY?! COS SHINee'S FUCKING COMING TO SINGAPORE WHEN I'M OVERSEAS. OMGOMGOMG I'M ABOUT TO CRY RIGHT NOW OHKAY. I WISH TO MEET THEM SO MUCH. BUT NO. THEY HAD TO COME WHEN I'M OVERSEAS. WHY SHINee? WHY?! shit i'm crying now. thankfully mummy and daddy left alr.

i'm damn sad right now ohkay. so does that mean all this time i've been saving up to go for the concert, to get their merchandise, everything, it's all a wasted effort? will that mean i wont see them? it's confirmed. i cant change it. omg fuck my life ohkay. why you do this to me God? ;____________;

i already missed once chance seeing them last year because i wasnt a Shawol then. and this year when i AM a Shawol, i'm overseas. omg can i just not go? will MILO also be during my holiday? can i not go? if i dont go for the holiday, i'll miss out on so much, like skiing, playing in the snow with my cousins and niece and nephew. but i'll get to see SHINee, i'll get to go for a bowling competition for once. and i'll get to go overseas with my friends. but if i go, i wont see SHINee until next year or something. MILO too. since there's no way i can get into bdiv. HELLO HAVE YOU SEEN MY BOWLING SKILLS?!

omg SHINee why you do this to me? you see? now you made me cry. omg now i'm not in the mood to study anymore ohkay. but i have to. i need to. tomorrow's the exams. i dont have a choice. omg SHINee. i hate you for this :< wae? why me? why me? why must i be overseas?

i'm really starting to think whether i should tell my parents i'm not going and the money for my plane ticket and accommodation to be used for my ticket to SWC and the merchandise. but they'll call me crazy. dad will murder me. he'll stop all my SHINee things. he wont let me go. i just know it. but if i went, on 8 dec during the trip, i'm gonna cry my heart out ohkay. cos SHINee's right here in Singapore and I'm not. unless.. unless there's an SWC in China. but i doubt it'd be anywhere we are. omg. shit man. why me? sucks to be me. i know.

i'm missing out on my chance. i'm really missing out on my chance. ohkay. i know dad's gonna kill me. but either way i'd still be loving SHINee. he'd kill me for choosing SHINee over my family and going to the concert. but he'd also kill me for crying on 8 dec when SHINee's in Singapore. it's a lose-lose situation. OHKAY. LOSE LOSE.

maybe... well, it's a horrible idea. but maybe i should just get out of being a Shawol. or being a fan really. then i wont be so agitated about not being able to attend concerts. but the thing is, i cant bring myself to. no matter what i tell myself, no matter how much i try to convince myself, i know there's no way i cant not like SHINee anymore. ohkay. i will cry. i'm going to cry. and i'm crying right now. omg SHINee. why. really why. i wish there was a last minute change of plans. i know it's horrible for me to wish this, but either the trip is cancelled or postponed or the concert's POSTPONED till i get back. NOT CANCELLED. ohkay. either postponed or brought early. why omg.

please can the trip be postponed? like we can go on 9 dec, i dont care. i'm fine if i dont sleep if i dont eat. I NEED TO GO TO SWC. dad's gonna say i'm obsessed with them, and you know what? FINE. I AM. HAPPY NOW? HAPPY NOW? I DONT CARE HOW OBSESSED YOU THINK I AM OHKAY. THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME. SO MUCH THAT YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND. sometimes i just wish that my dad would read this blog. so he'll know how i feel. but that's not gonna happen, is it?

can i just like. kill myself now or something? i still cant believe my luck ohkay. when  i found that that maybe i'd miss MILO i was alr a little sad. but now that i'm gonna miss SWC? IT'S NOT CALLED SAD ANYMORE. IT'S FUCKING DEPRESSED OHKAY. FUCKING DEPRESSED. what's the point of.. nevermind. i guess i should just do well in my exams, then maybe daddy wont care so much about me and SHINee. if he did take SHINee away from me, he'll be taking away a part of me. AND I'M NOT ME WITHOUT A PART OF ME.

to readers, call me whatever you want ohkay. call me obsessed. call me crazy. call me stupid. call me delusional. i dont care anymore. before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. DO YOU KNOW ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HAD TO DO JUST TO GET MY DAD TO ACCEPT SHINee?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE BEEN SCOLDED SO BADLY JUST COS I WAS FANGIRLING OR TALKING ABOUT SHINee?! OR EVEN JUST LISTENING TO THEIR SONGS OR WATCHING THEIR FANCAMS?! NO. OHKAY. NO.

my dad used to say that i always watch all this and waste my life away. FINE. MAYBE I AM. BUT TIME I ENJOY WASTING IS NOT WASTED TIME OHKAY. shit i'm crying like a mad idiot now ohkay. thankfully korkor's not really caring. FOR ONCE I'M HAPPY MY BROTHER DOESNT CARE ABOUT MY EXSISTENCE. it was only until recently when he was ohkay with my fangirling. when he'd laugh when i fangirl. instead of scolding me. i can still remember what he said on the day Sherlock came out. ❝STOP ALL THIS NONSENSE OHKAY. STOP ALL THIS SHEENee SHINee WHATEVER YOU CALL IT OHKAY. NEXT TIME I WILL BAN YOU FROM ALL THESE THINGS.❞ ohkay. it might not be exact but this was something close to what he said ohkay.

and when i'd watch SHINee videos, he'd be like ❝tsk, you're obsessed with all this kpop. i block the internet then you know uh!❞ something like that. even when i was watching SNSD.  or f(x) or anything really. when i was watching EXO my dad thought that i'd stop liking SHINee and i'll like exo now. but NO. YOU'RE WRONG. YOU'RE FAR FROM RIGHT OHKAY. urgh.

dont judge me if you dont know me. i dont care who is reading this now really. i dont care if you're my friend. i dont care if you're my close friend. i dont care if you're my sister. i dont care if you're my family member and i cant even be bothered if you're a stranger. but dont judge me. you dont know anything about me. this blog was created to write down my genuine thoughts. instead of being so high and happy infront of my friends all the time. this blog is truly what i feel. i'd never lie to this blog. it's like me. it's my brain, what's in my brain? you'll find out everything here. unless it's some thing that i really cannot post on the internet then it's in my diary. other than that. THIS IS ME. ohkay. and no, the song this is me by demi lovato does not fit this context COS I'M NOT FUCKING WHERE I'M EXACTLY SUPPOSED TO BE NOW. AND NO LIGHT IS SHINING ON ME. AND I HAVENT FOUND WHO I AM. AND I'M STILL HIDING WHO I AM. SO... never mind. sorry for that.

sigh. i've more or less calmed down from the big SHINee incident now. about i'm still sad ohkay. i think i'm gonna cry tonight. having Sherlock's official posters in my room does not help ohkay. and having their albums, having their songs, having those cards you buy for a dollar at comics connection. IT'S NOT HELPING ME. IT'S MAKING IT WORSE. but i dont have the heart to take them down. i cant. and i never will.

i guess i'll continue my studying. what can i do right? i dont control them. i cant possibly ring up SME and go ❝hello? can you please change the date of SWC in Singapore because i'll be away that time. thank you very much.❞ or ❝hello? can you please schedule an SWC in the country i'll be visiting when SHINee's in Singapore so that i can go to the concert?❞ obviously not right? what power do i have. i guess i have to live with it and most probably cry my eyes out on 8dec. yup. that's what i'll do. i guess.

xoxo

Hope™

ps. i'm sorry if this post makes no sense. i make no sense.