sigh

Will my dreams ever come true? Or will they be washed away like sand at a beach?

seriously how do people become actresses? how do people get discovered? i'm not lying k. i really wanna be like an actress/singer/dancer or smth like that k. but how do i achieve it? why are people around me so successful and i'm here rotting at home? it makes me feel sad ohkay. it's like really. i mean Clarisse told me the new members of T-ara, one is 13. FREAKING 13. she's 13 and successful. i'm 14 and rotting at home. seriously. what is this man? is this the reality you wanted? i tried ohkay. not kidding. but i think my parents take it that i'm kidding.

i've gone for auditions before. and i actually got chosen once ohkay. NOT KIDDING. ohkay it's not really a show like JUMP! and all others. it's more of like Okto's stuff. some spelling bee thingy i think. anyways, i got chosen, and they called my mum. BUT I WAS FREAKING IN MALAYSIA. and my mum didnt even tell me they called ohkay. it was just some random day when she decided to say it. argh. then my pri sch drama teacher found an audition for Okto de again, i told my mum about it, she called them up and stuff, but on that day i wasnt free and i guess my mum just didnt bother anymore. urgh. ;_;

i really wanna try acting ohkay. i was in my pri sch's drama club before. and i've acted on stage, like theatre and everything. like my sch's 85th anniversary and stuff. I'VE ACTED. but i've never acted in tv. like an actual filming. sure. i've been on tv before. for Chinese Challenge 2011, We Are Singaporeans and the Home Decor one. but that's not acting. ohkay yes, it's like reality shows, it's scripted. but i really wanna try acting ohkay. like iCarly, all this. yes yes yes, most people will just think ❝aish, wait awhile and this big fuss will all be over❞ YOU'RE WRONG KAY. i've set my mind on being an actress since a really long time ago. like in the media industry la. singer/dancer/actress. whatever la, smth like that. i just cant see myself doing any other job. i can see myself singing on stage, i can see myself dancing on stage, i can see myself acting on screen, BUT I CANT FREAKING SEE MYSELF IN ANY OTHER JOB. sure, maybe i can. i can see myself in an office. being unhappy. i'm serious ohkay. i really dont see myself being happy with any other jobs other than the above mentioned. why cant people just see that? ): 

and my grandpa doesnt really like this media shit. he says that you'll just be famous for awhile. then when you're not famous anymore, they'll just chuck you in one corner or smth. I DONT CARE OHKAY. chuck me in a corner for all i care. i just wanna try it out! if it's not my cup of tea then fine. i quit. but if i like it? i dont care. i dont want to act/dance/sing just so i can be famous and just so i can earn money. i wanna do it because i really want to do it, i enjoy it. i'm not doing it for the sake of fame or money. besides, fame is not always good. but if you wanna be an actor/dancer/singer, that's something you'll have to get by hook or by crook. you cant have the best of both worlds. no matter what hannah montana thinks.

seriously. when will my dreams actually come true? when will a door open for my dreams? i know, some people say you have to open the doors yourself. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE FREAKING SEARCHED FOR THOSE DOORS?! they're hard to find. i'm still trying kay. moreover, if we're talking about kpop here, my chances are limited. i'm alr so old. Taemin joined when he was 12. Key when he was 14. ohkay Onew special case. but still, i said SPECIAL CASE. time's running out. and i'm not sure if i can achieve everything i want before it completely disappears. why? and i wanna add, most SNSD members joined even before their age were double digits (as in they joined before 10) i think. or somewhere around there. urgh. seriously. why is my life like that? 

oh, and Jayley, Yen in JUMP! said she was discovered through her blog and she owes everything to her blog. well, i have a blog too, but i'm not keen on letting anyone know this page. people find it through blogwalking yes, but if you knew me, there is absolutely zero chance i'd tell you this blog address. i mean i almost told it to Natasha, but i came up w an idea to make another one. but because i had two, it took up too much of my time and i've stopped updating there alr. sigh. why are the people around me so young and already being so successful? why am i here rotting at home, getting scolded by teachers, not doing well in school? why? why? WAE? 

i guess with the way my family views my dreams all i can hope for is a miracle. a miracle that hopefully God can send me :\ trust me, i've tried ohkay. since p6 or smth. or maybe even p4/p5, i've been asking my parents if i can act. really long time alr. i remember my cousin telling me to look in the newspaper for acting offers. i did that ohkay. i cut out every acting offer there was. or i highlighted them and i made sure to show it to my parents. but what happened? they turned it down. they gave an excuse saying maybe it wont be good. maybe it's a fake. WELL WHY CANT WE TRY?! idk how to tell this to them. i'm not close to my parents. i'm not close to anyone. sometimes i'm really antisocial ohkay.

sigh. how long is this rain? how long will it last? when will i see the beautiful rainbow that will come after the rain? when? just when? i'm sorry for this emo blog post. i get emo at times. if this is even called emo.

xoxo

Hope™